During a pre-natal LaLeche class, I raised a concern about trying to
breast-feed while working. The instructor warned me that my job would
put me at risk for breast-feeding failure.
Then she concluded: “But that’s your choice.”
Fast forward to more than a decade later. A debate rages about the
“choice” of many professional women with children to stay home (For
example, see “The Opt-Out Revolution” by Lisa Belkin and “Opt Out: The
Press Discovers the Mommy Wars, Again” by Cathy Young.). Media
attention to these women raised fears that their actions would feed old
stereotypes that said women didn’t really want to work.
Oh, if only it were that simple!
Few of us have the luxury of free “choice” as we strive to balance career
and family. Many of us find our “choices” severely limited.
My LaLeche instructor didn’t ask if I had a spouse (swollen fingers
prevented me from wearing my wedding ring). How much of a “choice”
is it to work when you’re a single parent? Or when your partner’s job
lacks health insurance or enough income to support the family in decent
living conditions?
Many, many moms — and dads — work out of necessity rather than
choice.
At the same time, many professional women are abandoning the
workplace because of the poor choices available there.
A recent survey of 43 white professional women who had left the fast
track highlighted the scarcity of attractive workplace choices (Pamela
Stone and Meg Lovejoy in “Mommies and Daddies on the Fast Track:
Success of Parents in Demanding Professions,” Sage Publications
2004).
About 90 percent of the women in the survey had struggled with the
decision to quit. A former manager at a public utilities company said:
“What…was so hard was it was like a loss of identity. Ironically, that
Sunday, after I made the decision, the sermon at church was ‘Loss of
Identity because of Loss of Job or Loss of Spouse.’ That kind of clicked
with me.”
Moms who’d left demanding professions — in most cases, male-
dominated professions — cited such concerns as:
*60 hour weeks with 24/7 responsibility.
*Inflexible schedules.
*Part-time arrangements that ended up being full time.
*”Mommy tracks” that lacked interesting work or chances for promotion.
*Downsizing and restructuring resulting in speed-up and a more
“corporate” culture less supportive of parenting.
Meanwhile, fast-track husbands and a lack of high-quality child care
added pressure from home.
Five women in the survey quit their jobs for “traditional” reasons. These
women had no ambivalence about quitting their jobs and placed a high
value on being with their children full time.
But many of us are working — or not working — because of factors that
have little to do with our values or “choice.” A failure to recognize the
limits on “choice” all too easily leads to false blame or guilt.
Does it make any sense, then, EVER to use the word “choice” when
talking about work/family balance?
Yes — with care.
The key is to be clear about what’s under our control and what isn’t.
The next step is to find resources that help expand our choices. We can
enlist the help of other moms in the same “boat” or hire a coach or
career counselor. We can also connect with organizations (e.g.,
ThirdPath Institute, www.ThirdPath.org) that assist parents and others in
creating flexible work arrangements.
It will take all of us working together to create real choices for healthy,
balanced living.
(c) Norma Schmidt, LLC
Norma Schmidt is a parent of two and a former Lutheran minister. Her
career includes serving as a pastor, campus minister and cancer center
chaplain. She has also worked with children with disabilities. Norma
offers workshops on parenting and on living with serious illness. Her
writing has appeared in “Coping with Cancer” magazine. Download her
free report, “61 Great Ways to Teach Kids about Money” and look
through her other articles by going to http://www.ParentCafeOnline.com